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Topic: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

STEP 1
Initial Questions:
1. What is a crucial conversation?
2. What are the typical responses during a crucial conversation?
3. What is a “sucker’s choice” and how do we avoid this?
4. What can we do to re-engage when we/they go to silence or violence?

Data Collection & Analysis:

1. A crucial conversation is a discussion between two or more people in which the stakes are high, opinions vary and emotions run strong.

2. People typically go to silence or violence when conversations turn crucial. The “silent” response may involve masking true feelings and opinions to avoid conflict, avoiding the subject entirely, or withdrawing from the conversation. A “violent” response may involve trying to control the conversation, labeling the other person (s) or attacking.

3. The “Sucker’s Choice” involves seeing only either/or options that are distasteful.
[ “I’m the only one with the guts to tell the truth.” (after blasting someone); “If I say something to him, I’ll get fired.” (“so, I’m trapped”)]

4a. Stepping Out: When others move to silence or violence, step out of the conversation and Make It Safe. When safety is restored, go back to the issue at hand and continue the dialogue.

4b. Decide Which Condition of Safety is at Risk.
Mutual Purpose. Do others believe that you care about their goals in this conversation? Do they trust your motives?
Mutual Respect. Do others believe you respect them?

How do you know when mutual purpose is at risk?
• We end up debating who’s right or we become defensive and clam up or attack.
•
What questions make sense when mutual purpose is at risk?
• What do I want for Me?
• What do I want for others?
• What do I want for our relationship?
• What are the signs that mutual respect is lacking?
• Highly-charged emotional responses (pouting, threats, name-calling).

What can be done to gain mutual respect?
• Remember that we are all human, with strengths and weaknesses.
• Look for ways we might be similar.

4c. Apologize When Appropriate. When you’ve clearly violated respect, apologize.

4d. Contrast to Fix Misunderstanding
When others misunderstand either your purpose or your intent, use Contrasting. Start with what you don’t intend or mean. Then explain what you do intend or mean.

4e. CRIB to Get to Mutual Purpose
When you get at cross purposes, use four skills to get back to Mutual Purpose:
•Commit to seek Mutual Purpose
•Recognize the purpose behind the strategy.
•Invent a Mutual Purpose.
•Brainstorm new strategies.

STEP II
Reflection and Synthesis, Development of New Knowledge, Theory, Tools

“Do those served grow as persons? Do hey, while being served, become healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous (self-reliant), more likely themselves to become servants? And, what is the effect on the least privileged in society, will they benefit, or, at least, will they not be further deprived?” Robert K. Greenleaf

“I believe we can change the world if we start listening to one another again…Not mediation, negotiation, problem-solving, debate, or public meetings. Simple, truthful conversation where we each have a chance to speak, we each feel heard, and we each listen well.” --Margaret Wheatley

The servant views any problem in the world as in here, inside oneself, not out there. And if a flaw in the world is to be remedied, to the servant, the process of change starts in here, in the servant, not out there.” ?
Robert K. Greenleaf

“I have a bias about this which suggests that only a true natural servant automatically responds to any problem by listening first.”
Robert Greenleaf, The Servant as Leader

STEP III
Disseminating and Capacity Building
*Given the reality of our work as leaders and our personal relationships, all participants will have opportunities to engage in crucial conversations before the next session. We will be bringing back success stories and lessons learned to share at that time.

New Questions or Hypotheses
? What are the conversations we need to have and aren’t initiating?
? What emotional competencies & capacities do we need to develop to have crucial conversations?
? How do we recognize when we are making it unsafe?
? What about talking with strangers? Do the same principles of crucial conversations apply?
? What causes us to bring these skills to work but not home?
? How do we take the conversation or dialogue and move to action?